Akatsuki Chronicles: Childhoods
by Amy Hirosaki
Summary: Completed, Akatsuki centered. Parodies about the childhoods of Zetsu, Kisame, Deidara, Sasori, Itachi, Konan, Kakuzu, Pein, Hidan and Tobi. For there IS a reason why Zetsu eats human flesh, why Konan uses Paper Jutsu, and why Hidan is a Jashinist.
1. Zetsu

Akatsuki Chronicles: Childhood of Zetsu

**Summary**: Hannibal Lecter-complex parody, Zetsu-centered. The reason why Zetsu eats human flesh.

**Thanks**: To my wonderful beta-er, Nika.  
**Disclaimer**: I don't own Naruto, nor Hannibal. All credits go to Kishimoto and Thomas Harris.

* * *

When I was almost ten, I came across a little girl. She was at least twice as young and twice as little as I was, but she always gave me candy when we met.

Sometimes I saw her in the park, and we would play tag.

Sometimes I saw her in the mall, and we would both beg for candy.

She was my little girl friend, and we were inseparable.

One day, I tried teaching her to write her own name. She never got any further than the first letter, but both of us did not care. She was proud she could draw the letter M, and I was proud because I taught her to.

We got closer. She was five, I was ten. She was a girl, and I was a boy. She was intelligent for her age, I was considered stupid. She was pretty to look at, I was damn ugly. She had many friends, I was the local outcast. She was her parents' pride and joy, I was the disgrace of the family.

One day, she did not come to the park anymore. And I didn't see her at the mall either. She was just gone, without a trace.

I tried searching for her, but I was out of luck. My parents didn't want to hear one more word about my girl friend. They never liked her, it appeared.

I never saw her again.

I never heard of her again.

And after a while, I never thought of her again.

* * *

I began to bury myself in books. I especially loved books where the main characters had problems (_as I had!_), for example Christopher John Francis Boone in 'The Curious accident with the dog in the night'.

But my favourite book was 'Hannibal'.

Hannibal grew to be my idol, my example. He was the one who I wanted to be when I would grow up. Everyone knew who Hannibal was! Everyone knew how charming and cool Hannibal was! Everyone knew how awesome Hannibal's cutting skills were!

And I? I wanted to be cool too.

So I began my own search. Be gone with the boring, lame and ugly Zetsu. And say Hello to the New and Improved Zetsu: A true Hannibal.

I didn't have a sister named 'Mischa', so I simply named my girl friend Mischa.

I didn't have eleven fingers in total, so I simply pretended the eleventh was already removed in surgery a long time ago.

I didn't have great human insight, so I simply started reading every psychology book I could get my hands on in the hope to gain some more.

I didn't have an undying thirst for human blood, so I simply made little cuts on my arms and at least _tried_ to enjoy the copper taste of my own blood.

I didn't have the need to kill people around me, so I simply killed our pet goldfish Freddie (_which tasted awful_), our pet rabbit Fluffy (_which tasted too furry_) and out pet cat Spooky (_which tasted the best of all_).

And last, but not least, I didn't have an eerie personality like Dr. Lecter did, so I simply took drastic measures.

It was a cold and rainy night when I broke into the then closed Ninja Academy. There I successfully stole the secret Ninja Scrolls. Someone almost caught me, but since I had already practised my awesome cutting skills on Spooky (_which really tasted neat on my mommy's cooking grill_) he was no longer a match for me. With my awesome cutting skills he was dead in a snap. And did I say my cutting skills were awesome?

(_By the way, I must say that my first encounter with real human blood wasn't as great and astounding as I thought it would be_)

I snuck the scrolls, which were now covered in blood because I had accidentally forgotten to wash my hands after I had took a few not-so-tasty bits out of that guard, in my bedroom. There I opened them, and I began to read.

I didn't bother to check every forbidden technique. I was just looking for something that would give me the same eerie personality as Dr. Lecter, my idol.

I searched, and found.

* * *

The next day I successfully transformed myself into a Venus flytrap.

I killed eighty percent of my village, ate four hearts, three brains and one finger before leaving.

People called me insane.

I called myself 'Hannibal'.

I never found my Mischa back, but that's okay. I'm an awesome Venus flytrap now.


	2. Kisame

Akatsuki Chronicles: Childhood of Kisame

**Summary:** Fish Men-complex parody, Kisame-centered. The reason why Kisame joined Akatsuki.

**Thanks: **To my wonderful beta-er, Nika.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own naruto, nor One Piece. All credit go to Kishimoto and Eiichiro Oda.

* * *

Back when Kisame was 4 year old, his whole life centered around one thing.

Join Arlong's team.

It was the dream of every four-year-old with a fishy appearance: to join the strongest fish-gang in the world! To be able to fight side by side next to all those awesome and strong Fish Men, and to roam all seas!

He was sure he would be allowed to join!

He had the ability to breathe underwater, he already had his A, B and C diploma and his swimming teacher always praised him for being so good at swimming.

Surely he would be allowed to join!

Kisame practised his awesome fighting skills everyday. He could kick and bite like no other four-year-old could. And his school teacher always praised him for throwing his shuriken with such 'fierce strength'.

Of course Kisame would join Arlong's team!

His mother and father both lived in the country of water. Their whole life revolved around fish and water. It was only natural that their awesome and talented son would join a cool gang like Arlong's.

Arlong would be stupid not to let Kisame join!

He had qills for God's sake! He had blue skin, qills, white eyes, qills, the ability to breath underwater, and qills! QILLS! He had fucking QILLS on his face. If that wasn't a good enough reason to join, then Kisame wouldn't know anymore.

So one morning four year old Kisame put on his best fighting suit, packed something to eat, left a goodbye note for his mother and father, and left his village. On his way all to Coco Village, where Arlong Park was hidden.

* * *

Kisame arrived, asked for permission, and got denied.

He didn't have the right 'qualities', they said.

10 years later Kisame joined Akatsuki. The gang might have been Kisame's second choice of gangs, but at least they didn't care about his looks.

Or skin-colour.

Or qills.

(and luckily, Akatsuki didn't have a ridiculous laugh. Sha ha ha ha!)


	3. Deidara

Akatsuki Chronicles: Childhood of Deidara

**Summary:** Fly Away Home-complex parody, Deidara-centered. The reason why Deidara uses clay birds.

**Thanks:** To my wonderful beta-er, Nika.  
**Disclaimer:** I don't own Naruto, or the movie Fly Away Home. All credits go to Kishimoto and Carroll Ballard.

* * *

When I was four years old, there was only one important thing in my life.

Television.

Or rather, the VCR attached to the television. Or perhaps it were the videos I always watched, because I liked them so much? Anyway, I liked all my videos, and so I watched them all a lot every day.

My favourite movie was 'Fly Away Home'. I loved the girl, and her daddy, and the geese. Especially the geese. The geese were so cool and awesomely cute, and that was also the reason I had to cry every single time that the geese were geese-napped.

And when the movie ended, I fantasized (every single time) it was me who raised the geese. Because I could definitely raise the birds a thousand times better than the girl and her father in the movie.

If I would ever find some stray eggs, I would take them home. I would put them in my bed, and I would make sure they were warm all the time. At night I would hold them, so the eggs would get lots and lots of love.

And when the eggs would hatch, I would have the cutest and most awesome little baby-birds in history. And they would see me first, so they would all think I was their mother. They would all love me, because I was really nice and cool. And we would be together forever!

Because I would never hire a big bad man who would try to cut their wings!

Because I would never leave them on their own so they could be bird-napped!

Because I would never let them take such a long journey so one of them could get his wing hurt!

Because I would be the bestest bird-keeper in history!

And so, I pretended. I bought stuffed birds from the store, I made stuffed eggs, and I played and pretended I was taking care of them. I would take my stuffed birds to the back yard, hide them, and then I would find the stray birds and I would take them inside my house so we could be happy forever.

Sometimes my mother would say I had no life whatsoever, but I don't think that was true.

After all, I was practicing to be the bestest bird-keeper in history.

* * *

One day, I actually came across a bird's nest. I didn't see the parents, so naturally, I thought they were dead. Someone must have killed the mommy and daddy, so I could finally show the world I could take care of baby-birds.

Inside the nest were fifteen eggs. The eggs were not as big as the eggs in the movie, but I didn't mind. I gently picked up the fifteen eggs (one by one) and put them in my bag. And then I took them home.

This would be the true beginning of my life: I would make the eggs hatch, and I would raise 15 birds.

And when they would be adults, I would tell my mommy 'See! I CAN take care of a bird!'. And I would be right and she would be wrong.

And that would be that.

* * *

The first egg cracked when I first tested if I could sit on them in order to keep them warm. I didn't know eggs were that breakable.

The second egg cracked as I was too careless when putting the eggs in my bed. It fell on the ground and the yellow stuffing splattered on my shoes.

The third and fourth egg cracked during the first night, when I found out that it is very unwise to sleep with eggs in your bed. My arm was covered with yellow goo and eggshells in the morning.

The fifth egg probably cracked somewhere in the beginning, because on the second day it smelled. A lot. I threw it in the garbage bin, and said that it was not allowed for an egg to smell that much.

The sixth egg cracked because I stepped on it. It was a stupid egg, for rolling away from the rest and stopping right underneath my foot.

The seventh egg cracked because I wanted to see if the bird was ready to hatch. It wasn't.

The eighth egg cracked because all the eggs were hatching. I was scared that the baby bird couldn't come out, so I grabbed a spoon and helped him/her come out. It wasn't my brightest idea.

The ninth baby-bird was thrown on the floor before I jumped on it, and I think I killed him a little bit, because the bird that came out of the egg was so ugly, I was afraid the bird had a bird deficit. Later it appeared all the baby birds had a bird deficit. They were all but-ugly.

The tenth egg didn't hatch together with his/her remaining five siblings, so I was very creative to grab my catapult and launched it from my window into my back yard. I think the egg had a wonderful flight, and his brothers and sisters must have been excited too, for they couldn't stop squeaking.

The eleventh baby-bird drowned in the bathtub. I thought it was a great idea to wash them (with lots and lots of soaps, for they didn't smell great when they hatched), because they were so sticky from being inside the egg for such a long time. Again, not my brightest idea.

The twelfth baby-bird might have lived longer, wasn't it for the fact I wanted to find out if it was a boy or girl. So naturally, I turned the bird upside-down for more than an hour, to search if he had a peepee or not. She hadn't.

The thirteenth baby-bird was a really annoying baby. It cried and cried all the time. So I found some dental floss and tried binding his beak together. I think I sort of squashed his head while doing so.

The fourteenth baby-duck died a little bit, for I forgot to feed him only seven times.

The fifteenth baby-duck (I called him Igor, for he was but-ugly when I named him) actually lived an entire week. By then, it followed me everywhere I went. Even out on the street. Even when I quickly ran to the other side of the street, for there was this huge car full of goods speeding down the street. I think Igor didn't see the car, for he went SPLASH and then he only was a red spot on the street.

* * *

Two years later I wisely decided to stay away from all real-life birds, and I bought a bag of clay.


	4. Sasori

Akatsuki Chronicles: Childhood of Sasori

**Summary**: doll-complex parody, Sasori-centered. The reason why Sasori turned himself into a doll.

**Thanks**: To my wonderful beta-er, Nika.  
**Disclaimer**: I don't own naruto, nor Rozen Maiden. All credit go to Kishimoto and Peach Pit.

* * *

Back when Sasori was four years old, his parents could only talk about how perfect he was. Everywhere he went, everything he did, it was all perfect.

A few years later, Sasori found out he wasn't.

Sasori might have been stunningly beautiful, with his soft and unruly red haid, his deep sea coloured eyes and his velvet and flawless skin.

Sasori might have been incredibly intelligent, with his straight A's for each and every test he took, with his promotion to chuunin on his 7th and jounin on his 8th and with his flawless reputation of being a second Einstein.

Sasori might have been an idol, with all the younger kids who looked up to him when he made yet another battle puppet, with his school peers who all wanted to be his best friend, and with flocks of girls _and_ boys sending him gazillions of love letters every week.

Sasori might have been a true example for everyone, with his calm voice, his awesome family and his awesome style of clothing.

But by all means, Sasori wasn't _perfect_.

Sasori knew he was extraordinarily beautiful, but he also knew he could be so much more.

He wanted to be _really_ beautiful.

He wanted to be a perfect beauty.

He wanted to be Alice.

* * *

One year later Sasori succesfully transformed himself into a puppet. A living doll. He made sure he kept his own heart: not only for chakra control, but also because he needed his very own Rosa Mystica.

If anyone would ever take his Rosa Mystica, he would truly turn into a regular doll.

It was a cruel fate, but Sasori was willing to face it, in order to have the access to become Alice.

He then joined Akatsuki, and got himself a cool ring: he was sure it was only fate that brought him that ring: his very own Akatsuki ring held the power for his chakra! It was the Ring that every Rozen Maiden had, and he, the 8th one, now had a ring as well.

And only because Sasori didn't dare to trust the ring to someone else as a medium, he simply wore it himself. He had enough chakra; he didn't need someone else!

After he joined Akatsuki, he searched for Jinchiruki and other Rozen Maiden for more than 10 years. He found neither.

Then his Rosa Mystica was brutally ripped apart and Sasori turned into a doll.

He could never call himself perfect, or Alice.

But secretly, he did think he was pretty cool in the end.


	5. Itachi

Akatsuki Chronicles: Childhood of Itachi

**Summary:** Oepidus-complex parody, Itachi-centered. The reason why Itachi never smiles nowadays.

**Thanks**: To my wonderful beta-er, Nika.  
**Disclaimer**: I don't own Naruto, nor the idea of the Oedipus-complex. All credit goes to Kishimoto and Freud.

**Note**: I won't mention the castraction fear.

* * *

I first noticed it when I was four.

I felt insanely attracted to my mother.

I felt like she was the _one_ in my life, that she was my light and guidance in the darkness.

At that moment, I decided I wanted her to love me, just as I loved her. I wanted to have her, to keep her.. to marry her.

But then, it hit me.

You see, I could never marry my mother! After all, she already belonged to someone else.

She already belonged to my father.

And I, the one who wanted mother, started to despise the poor man. Father: he was the span on the devil. He was evil himself. He was the one I grew to hate and despise.

He had already married the only woman _I_ wanted to marry.

The bastard.

I felt extremely angry toward the man. Why did he ever marry my mother in the first place? Did he want me to live in misery? Did he want me to die in dispair?

God, he was such a disgusting man!

I wanted him gone. If I hadn't been there, I could have married my mother. If he hadn't been there, I could have had her all to myself.

My father should just leave my mother. He should leave, or get sick and die. Yes, my father should die. Because only then, I could be able to marry my mother.

Yes, my goddamn bastard of a father should die, and quickly as well.

And of course, I felt obligated to kill him myself, my own father, because that would be the quickest way to get rid of him.

But then, it hit me.

I was thinking about _killing_ someone..

About killing my _father_!!

I started feeling guilty, _oh so guilty_, for just _thinking_ about killing my own father.

That man, who loved me as a son. That man, who was proud of everything I acchieved. That man, who kept believing in me.

I felt guilty.

I couldn't sleep anymore, couldn't eat and drink anymore. I despised myself for even thinking such thoughts in the first place.

In the end, I locked all my forbidden thoughts away in my subconcious mind. I locked away all these wrong thoughts. I locked away the guilt, hate, love and misery. I pushed it all away.

And I forgot.

* * *

Years later, I did kill my father.

The reason why I never smile in the present days?

I accidentally killed my mother as well.


	6. Konan

Akatsuki Chronicles: Childhood of Konan

**Summary**: 'Sticky notes'complex parody, Konan-centered. The reason why Konan uses Paper Jutsu.

**Note**: I uhh.. am sorry I took more than half a year to update? XD Well actually, I never planned to write childhood parodies of every Akatsuki member.. But now, suddenly!, I found inspiration to write Konan's history. Expect more childhoods soon! Yeah!

**Thanks**: To my wonderful beta-er, Susan.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Naruto and Ed, Edd, & Eddy's sticky notes idea. All credit go to Kishimoto and Danny Antonucci.

* * *

When I was 6 years old, there was one thing in the world that I really liked.

Sticky notes.

I liked the crisp smell of a freshly opened pack of yellow notes. I adored the soft sound they made when they were slowly pulled off the other notes. And I absolutely loved the feeling of the glue on the backside of all the notes, because with that glue, these notes could be stuck on a lot of things.

An awful lot of things, that is.

"_Honey, don't forget your breakfast every morning._

_Love, mom,"_ was written on the sticky note on a pack of cereals. I never liked cereals, so I kind of removed that note.

"_Dear, don't forget to brush your teeth two times a day._

_Love, dad,"_ was written on a sticky note which was stuck on my toothpaste. Yes dad, I always brush my teeth. I'm not stuuuuuupid, you know.

"_Dear, always speak with two words._

_Love, mom and dad,"_ was stuck on the front door of the house. Yes, mom. Yes, dad. I always do that. If you would talk to me, you'd know.

"_We love you. Mom and dad,"_ was stuck on my bedpost. I never removed that note.

* * *

Five years full of sticky notes later, Konan met two very nice boys. A quiet one, Nagato, and a loud one, Yahiko. The three were always together, and were truly best friends.

That was, until Konan invited the two to her house for a visit.

Upon arrival Yahiko already eyed the 5 sticky notes on the front door curiously.

When entering the living room, Nagato grew even more quiet when he had to remove 17 notes only to be able to sit on the couch.

When he went to the bathroom, Yahiko found it very creepy but also fascinating that Konan was able to pee while having a sticky note attached to the toilet seat.

While waiting for the drinks, Nagato silently made the discovery it wouldn't really be difficult to copy the handwriting of Konan's mom and dad.

And when Konan said she couldn't find the cookies, and she had to check the storeroom in the basement, Yahiko and Nagato decided to see how well Konan would follow the orders on the sticky notes.

"_Sweetheart, friends are the most important things in the world. Treat them with much respect, and always give them pizza and candy._

_Love, mom."_ Konan didn't quite understand it when she spotted the note on the refrigerator, but immediately called the local pizzeria to order a pizza for her two friends.

"_Dear, if you ever invite boys over, you must call them 'Master'. Because you are a girl, that's why._

_Love, dad."_ Konan read the note on the telephone twice. No, it really said 'Master'. She found her parents recent notes getting stranger and stranger. But the handwriting was right, and her parents only communicated through these notes. So why doubt them?

"_Baby-girl, have we ever told you that you are Not Cool? No? Well, you are. So if you ever get Cool friends, you must always do whatever they say, because they are cooler than you._

_Love, mom and dad."_ Konan froze when she read the note that was stuck on the table in front of Nagato and Yahiko. Something wasn't right, but what?

Then she found yet another note on her bedpost (_"Pumpkin, the latest fashion for girls is to wear their underwear OVER her jeans. Please do that. Love, mom and dad."_), and she knew Nagato and Yahiko were playing a joke on her.

* * *

Not a day later, Konan got rid of the 2.476 sticky notes in her house. Then she went to the store and bought a pack of origami paper.


	7. Kakuzu

Akatsuki Chronicles: Childhood of Kakuzu

**Summary**: 'Fairy-tale' complex parody, Kakuzu-centered. How Kakuzu became the man he is today.

**Thanks**: To my wonderful beta-er, Susan.  
**Disclaimer**: I don't own Naruto and all mentioned fairy tales (Sleeping Beauty, Humpty Dumpty, Snow White & The Nightmare Before Christmas & the Ugly Duck). All credit go to Kishimoto and authors of the mentioned fairy tales.

* * *

When Kakuzu was four years old, he knew that life sucked. Everywhere he went, everywhere he showed up, even in his own house, it was always the same.

_Ugly._

Somehow, people always called him that every time they saw him. As though all humans carried the never-satisfied lust to humiliate him over and over again. Even his parents didn't hide the fact that they preferred not to look at his face.

So naturally, Kakuzu was a loner.

Kakuzu preferred to sit alone in the attic rather than go outside and make friends – for even the boys his age seemed to think he needed to be told he was a disgusting sight to behold a lot.

The attic was Kakuzu's kingdom.

There, no one could ridicule him. No one could call him names. No one could say what he already knew: that he was ugly.

There, Kakuzu could play for hours. He played he was a lost prince from a country far away, where people all looked like him. He played he was a hero in disguise, and that his face was only a mask to hide his true beautiful features.

Kakuzu also read a lot, because playing on your own gets boring after a while. Well, actually, Kakuzu couldn't really read, because he was four, so he stuck to picture books instead.

Luckily he owned quite a lot of those.

He loved the picture of how Sleeping Beauty hurts herself on the spinning wheel, and then falls asleep. Kakuzu knew he could never wake up the beautiful princess, because princes were beautiful, and he wasn't. But Kakuzu also knew that Sleeping Beauty was really clumsy. I mean, hello, she fucking cut herself on a spinning wheel. Really, if Kakuzu ever learnt how to sew or spin, he would make sure he would not stupidly hurt himself.

He loved the picture of Humpty Dumpty who had just fallen of the high tower. Kakuzu knew the King should have been happy with all the money he already had, instead of stupidly spending it on way-too-expensive workers to build an unnecessary tower to reach the sun. Really, Kakuzu knew that if he owned that much money, he wouldn't be so stupid.

He loved the picture of Snow White – of when the hunter gave the deers heart to the queen. Really, the queen was _stupid_. Didn't she notice right away that the heart was a fake?! Really, if Kakuzu were ever in such a position, he would –without a doubt- immediately see if the heart was a good and healthy _human_ one.

He loved the picture of Jack and Sally, standing on top of a hill in the moonlight, in The Nightmare Before Christmas. It was always Sally who captured his attention. Sally, with all her stitches, was still a sight to behold. Really, if Kakuzu ever needed surgery, he wouldn't mind the stitches in the least.

And then there was his favorite picture.

A picture of the Ugly Duck.

Kakuzu just _knew_ the story was about him. He just _knew_ that he would bloom into something handsome one day too, and that people wouldn't call him 'ugly' anymore.

* * *

Twenty years later, Kakuzu still hadn't bloomed.

So naturally, Kakuzu burned the picture of the Ugly Duck.

Then he learned to sew, made a small fortune which he _didn't_ spend on anything really, and found a really good and healthy _human_ heart. Then he tore his chest open, planted the heart inside, and closed the gaping wound with a ton of stitches.

All in all, Kakuzu was pretty satisfied with whom he turned out to be.


	8. Pein

Akatsuki Chronicles: Childhood of Pein

**Summary**: 'Host Club' complex parody, Pein-centered. The reason why Pein has six bodies.

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Naruto and Ouran High School Host Club. All credit go to Kishimoto and Bisco Hatori.

**Thanks**: To my wonderful beta-er, Susan.

* * *

When Nagato was six, he knew that there were two things in his life which were important: his best friend Yahiko, and his dream to become a host.

Nagato really liked his dream: one day, when he was old and pretty enough, he would cut his boring hair into an awesome haircut (like Yahiko; his hair was already really cool and awesome), he would buy some awesome outfit and then he would look around for a host club. Once he found one, he would totally join them, and be an awesome host.

And because Yahiko was his best friend, Yahiko could just come and be a host too. Or become his costumer. That would be Yahiko's choice.

Nagato always smiled when he thought about it: Yahiko then always stared at him in wonder, for _he_ didn't know about Nagato's dream yet.

* * *

Five years went by, and Nagato still wasn't a host. He blamed it on Amegakure's non-existent wealth; the poor people; the lack of prestigious high schools where host clubs could be found; the bad weather.

So naturally, Nagato went traveling with his best friend and some girl who spontaneously wanted to join.

Konan traveled because she wanted to see the world.

Yahiko traveled because he was in search of food and shelter.

And Nagato traveled because he wanted to find a cool host club.

They saw a lot.

They saw weird guys on giant lizards. They saw poor people who begged for bread. They saw super-perverts who treated them to fish and awesome trainings. They saw rich people who didn't even look at them once.

But Nagato never saw a host club.

So Nagato took drastic measures. He took his two friends to Bunkyo, in Tokio, Japan. All the way to Ouran High School.

When they arrived, Nagato dragged his two friends Yahiko and Konan to the third music room. They were greeted by shiny rose petals and 7 awesome-looking boys.

"Welcome X3. And peace to you in the months ahead.. Ohh, it's a boy."

"Hi. I'm Nagato, and uhh.. I'd like to join."

Nagato later thought his opening line should have been a little bit catchier.

He got denied.

The 7 boys pointed out they already had a silent type (Mori).

Then they gathered around his _best friend_ Yahiko, and claimed that a tough type was just what their club needed, and then the Host Club King laid his hand on Nagato's _best friend's_ shoulder, and then his _best friend_ suddenly said he'd like to, but he wouldn't, because he felt bad for Nagato.

The whole club turned to Nagato, and looked at him with hatred. For he was the sole reason why the club would never have such an awesome boy like Yahiko.

Nagato was shocked, and fled the school with Yahiko and Konan in tow. Outside again, Nagato sat down and thought. He didn't listen to Konan's advice, or Yahiko's cheery lines.

And suddenly, it came to him. A brilliant solution to this mess.

Naturally, Nagato killed Yahiko.

And then he stole his ex-best friend's looks. Finally his weird swirled eyes were useful.

Then he tried to join the club once more. He went inside again, and asked (this time using catchier phrase) to join.

Nagato got denied again.

The club said they had reconsidered and came to the conclusion that they didn't need a tough type after all.

That said, Nagato and Konan had no choice but to go home again.

* * *

When the two arrived at home, Nagato decided to start his own host club. And he would be King.

He killed another 5 men (Konan excluded, for she never betrayed him and wasn't a boy), and then he took control of their bodies.

A tough one (Yahiko's old body, and Nagato's favorite), a cool one, a silent one, a chubby one and a brash one.

All had orange hair and swirled eyes.

Nagato then gave himself a new name (Pein), because he was now the King of his own Host Club, and then called his club 'Red Dawn'. Because even though he had orange hair, he considered 'Red Dawn' to be a really awesome name.

* * *

Needless to say, his Host Club was a complete disaster. Creating six people who share the same features was not Pein's smartest idea.

So naturally, Pein called out to anyone who didn't have orange hair and swirled eyes who wanted to join an 'awesome club'.

And boy, did he find some hosts.

The boyish-girl type (Konan) was the first to join.

Then a silent type (Itachi) and a strong type (Kisame) joined.

Then Pein found two boys who always talked about the same things, but who were actually two completely different people (Deidara and Sasori).

Then he found a creepy-and-untrustworthy type (Orochimaru), who even had the fucking guts to leave his awesome club.

He found a scary-looking type (Zetsu) and a loud one (Hidan).

The club's secretary was a moody type (Kakuzu).

And he even found this lolita type, who didn't mind being the Club's Shadow King (Tobi).

* * *

Nowadays, Nagato still believes he created a very awesome club, even though half of them are dead.

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	9. Hidan

Akatsuki Chronicles: Childhood of Hidan

**Summary**: 'Illuminati'complex parody, Hidan-centered. The reason why Hidan is a Jashinist.

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Naruto and Illuminati. All credit go to Kishimoto, Dan Brown's 'Angels and Demons', and Wikipedia.

**Thanks**: To my wonderful beta-er, Susan.

* * *

When Hidan was 10, he knew what life was all about.

Religion.

He was sure that dedicating your entire life to such a noble goal was more than worth it. Nothing could top the feeling of the blissful aftermath of a serious prayer. And it was true that confession kept your soul pure and divine.

So naturally, Hidan wanted to join the 'Order of Illuminati'.

Oh, how divine that group was! They were the epitome of How Things Should Be: their dedication was unheard of. Their goal was to conquer all the countries, one by one, and ultimately the entire world. They were said to have achieved a greater understanding of the universe than the vast majority of the ignorant masses of the world. Their secret hideout was said to be astounding.

Hidan didn't mind that you could only find their hideout in old Italy by following the Path of Illumination. He knew he was supposed to visit a bunch of churches, and statues would point him into the direction of the secret hideout. All new members had to find their way to the secret hideout; it was a test to see who was worth being part of the group.

It shouldn't really be all that hard, Hidan thought. Italy only had a few hundred churches, and Hidan liked challenges.

And sure, the fact that he was immortal gave him more than enough time to search for the secret hideout.

And there was the thirst for blood too.

Illumination was known to be bloodthirsty. But Hidan didn't mind this either, because he confessed on a regular basis, and confession was invented for bloodthirsty acts, he was sure of it.

And so Hidan went to Italy.

* * *

Hidan arrived, and then spent the next 20 years looking for the secret hideout.

When he finally found it, he also found out that the Order of Illuminati had already been gone for over 200 years.

Fuck.

So naturally, Hidan joined the first religious group he stumbled upon. The group consisted of people who called themselves 'Jashinists'. Hidan never heard of them before, but they were bloodthirsty, and they also believed in the whole 'we have a greater understanding of the universe than others'.

So Hidan joined.

Because their secret hideout was easier to find.


	10. Madara

Akatsuki childhoods; Childhood of Madara

**Warnings: Naruto Manga spoilers chapter 364 and further;** Zelda Game Spoilers.

**Summary**: Zelda-complex, Madara-centered. The reason why Madara choose to walk around with an orange swirled mask.

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Naruto and all Zelda games. All credit go to Kishimoto, Shigeru Miyamoto and Nintendo.

**Thanks**: To my wonderful beta-er, Susan.

**Endnotes1:** I will not elaborate Orochimaru's past. He left Akatsuki, and I couldn't think of a fitting childhood for him.. I hope you all do not mind. Sorry, especially to Perv-Pein.

**Endnotes2**: I want to thank everybody who reviewed this story. I loved them all: every one of them! You guys were the drive to actually continue writing more childhoods, so THANK YOU!

* * *

When Madara was eight, he was sure he was a really awesome person. Everyone surely looked up to him.

Because he owned a Nintendo, a Famicon-only Disk System, Super NES, Gameboy Color, Nintendo 64, Gamecube, PlaystationII, Nintendo DS, Wii, and a computer with Windows Vista.

And this meant he was ten times as awesome as his schoolmates, for _they_ weren't filthy rich, and _they_ didn't own any electronic devices.

His schoolmates were such weirdoes. Their whole universe was centered around being a ninja, and protecting the village.

But Madara knew better.

Life existed for bringing peace in the world.

And in order to do that, you always had to beat at least 3 main bosses, get a second upgrade sword if possible, and beat Ganondorf.

Yes. Madara was a true Zelda-fan.

He owned 'the Legend of Zelda', 'The Adventure of Link', 'A Link to the past', 'Links Awakening', 'Ocarina of Time', 'Majora's Mask', "Ocarina of Seasons', 'Ocarina of Ages', 'Four Swords', 'The Wind Waker', 'Four Swords Adventures', 'The Minish Cap', 'Twilight Princes' and 'Phantom Hourglass'.

And Madara was very proud to say he knew all games by heart.

He knew all kinds of trivial things about his games, like where you had to go for the twelve pictures in 'Zelda; Link's Awakening', and how to get the Cabana deed in 'Zelda the Wind Waker'.

But Madara's favorite game was 'Zelda: Majora's mask'.

It was such an awesome and cool game! The concept was brilliant: put on a mask, and gain a special ability.

There wasn't that annoying Zelda who you had to save. No: instead, you just had to prevent the moon from falling on the earth.

It was a brilliant game, and thus Madara played the game again and again and again.

He loved doing the wedding-mask side-quest. He loved taking pictures of the lonely dancer on the big rock, and he loved to swim as Zora!Link.

Yet Madara's obsession started getting out of hand when he decided he wanted to be like Link as well.

From paper-mâché Madara made his own mask. It cost him four hours and three weeks of allowance. Because his father didn't give him a lot of pocket money, Madara was only able to buy a small bucket of orange paint in the sale.

His mask was oval: Fan-shaped, just like the Uchiha emblem. Without the stick though.  
His mask was orange: The girl behind the counter of the store said 'Orange is really a good color for you', and she was Okay, so the mask was orange.  
His mask was swirled: His little brother liked swirled lollipops, and swirled ice creams.  
His mask contained only one eyehole: Madara's family had always had a very _one_-sided view on life.

Madara's mask represented everything of himself, and therefore, it became a part of him.

When he got up, he put on his mask. His mother hoped it was just a phase.  
When he went to the Ninja Academy, his mask was tightly secured. His father pretended they weren't related.  
When he was home again and played Zelda-games until dinnertime, he never put off his mask. His little brother loved it.

Madara got completely lost in his own game.

One time he defeated the third boss of 'Zelda: Major's Mask' without dying even once. Madara had yelled and screamed and sprinted down the entire Uchiha complex in utter joy, wearing his orange mask all the time.

All the stares and disapproved looks he received were completely ignored.

Because Madara knew better. Madara knew that he was awesome, and that his mask was awesome as well, because Madara's mask _surely_ had the strongest and coolest ability, which topped all the masks in the game:

The ability to be good.

Madara had always been a real problem child. He never listened, and he always got involved with fights. He put chewing gum in his schoolmates' hair, and he failed the Ninja exams more than four times because he refused to work on his techniques.

Yet when Madara wore his mask, he was a true Hero. He helped old ladies cross the street, and he tried helping the police catch thieves (though the police never looked happy whenever Madara offered his help). He always spoke with two words, and never cursed.

When wearing the mask, Madara was a Good Boy.

And because he parents always seemed to whisper to each other that they didn't like their oldest son, and that they wished he would just be 'good' for once, Madara was very sure that his mask was a brilliant thing.

One time his father tried to punish him because 'this is getting out of hand'. Madara was wearing his mask at that time, and he politely answered 'You might be right. The rumor goes that Malon's cows have been kidnapped by aliens. I wish I already had my bombs..'

Time went on.

Madara never got rid of the mask.

He wore the mask when he finally completed the ninja academy. He politely thanked his teacher for everything he had done.

He wore the mask when his brother told him he would offer his eyes to restore Madara's sight. Madara uncharacteristically cried really hard from behind the mask, and said he loved his little brother a lot.

And when Madara created Konoha together with Hashirama, he was wearing his mask the entire time. Duh. An aggressive and rude young man cannot build a country: a Good Boy could.

Yet Hashirama wasn't okay with this. He asked Madara repeatedly to get rid of the silly mask, because one could not reign over the new country while looking like a clown.

"But I aint a _clown_. I am a Good Boy!"

"Then take off the mask, Madara. You look stupid."

Naturally, Madara took off his mask. He gently put his precious mask on the ground, before he faced his friend again.

Then Madara tried to kill his friend.

Because Madara wasn't wearing his Good-Boy mask, he wasn't nice and decent anymore. He hit, bit, scratched, and spit. He cursed, yelled and screamed.

He tried to strangle his friend, but that didn't really work. All those years of being spoiled had made Madara rather lazy, and thus he lost.

"I never want to see you and your mask again." Hashirama said, before he left.

Madara stayed behind, and he cursed himself. Why didn't he go to a local Witch before this Boss Battle? A potion usually cost 150 rupees, but Madara was a pro in stealing from shops.

"I could.. Use a fairy right now." Madara mumbled, before he got up, and grabbed his mask.

He thought about it for a moment. Put it on or not?

Madara pondered. Hyrule was probably still far away. He'd need a vehicle. And he'd need a weapon for all the enemies he'd face along the way.

And he should get some Grandmother's soup. Hers was the best, and all his hearts would be filled after eating half a portion of it.

"I.. Should keep my eyes open. Don't want to miss hidden traps.. And I should get a flute too. Who knows if I ever need the Song of Storms.."

Madara put away the mask in his bag.

He started walking.

Away from Konoha.

Towards his future.

"To Hyrule. They'll accept me."

* * *

"But.. Madara-sama, why would you need a disguise?" Pein mumbled confused. Konan just stared at the two.

"Because I want to observe my subordinates. And people know my face. It's better this way." Pein eyed the older man for a moment, before nodding slowly.

"Madara-sama, do you need help with your disguise?" Konan decided to speak up.

"Oh, no. In fact, I have just the thing."

An orange mask was put on.

"HI! I'm Tobi. And I'm a Good Boy," Madara said in a slightly higher voice, and he swore he could already feel the Mask's ability flowing into him.

".. That's brilliant, Madara-sama! You are such a lolit-.. I mean, nobody will recognize you!"

"Of course no-one will recognize me. People already hardly recognize you when you simply wear the Bunny hat!"

"I err.. yeah.."

"I will be going now. I have business to attend to." Madara decided to end the conversation there.

So Madara left the room, leaving Konan and Pein behind. He ignored the stares he got from his new subordinates when he walked through his new lair towards his new room.

He was used to getting disapproving stares when wearing his orange mask.

Because Madara might have lost his family. He might have lost his home. He might have lost the town he wanted to bring peace to. He might have lost the most important Boss Battle in his live when he faced Hashirama.

Madara might have had parents who never liked him. Madara might have had a brother who meant more to him than he'd ever let on.

Madara might have been lonely when he unsuccessfully tried to find Hyrule for years and years. Madara might have cried a little bit when he didn't even find a horse. Madara might have screamed in frustration when he dived in the murky waters of some stream for hours, without finding Zora's Flippers.

But Madara was still an optimist.

Because he still owned that awesome orange mask.

* * *

End Story

* * *


End file.
